Someone told me today how loved I am.
Do I feel it?
No.
Do I want to?
Yes.
Have I felt loved?
Yes.
I feel it in some moments — and it’s taken a lot of work to be open enough to let love in when it arrives.
I started this chapter stumbling around what I really wanted to say…and then I realised what it is.
I really miss my boy 🐶.
I’d already been sobbing before this chapter even formed — crying about being loved, and then crying again as I type these words.
If you’ve never had a dog and don’t quite get it, that’s okay with me.
If you do get it, I’m sorry if your eyes leak too, or if that familiar heaviness settles in your chest.
I’m going to try to put words to the bond I had with my boy — partly because I want to understand it myself.
I feel it, I know it’s real, and maybe it’s something that can’t fully be explained… but something’s pulling me to write, so I’m going with it.
Smithy was twelve when he passed.
His pancreas was breaking down, nothing could ease the pain he was in, and nothing more could be done.
One last quick lick of my face.
A small wag of his tail.
I held his paws as he was gently assisted into drifting off peacefully.
His journey here was done — I knew that.
But the void he left behind was enormous.
I filled part of it with gratitude — for having such an incredible dog walk alongside me in my life.
I filled it with smiles at all the ridiculous nicknames I gave him (I still have no idea where titface came from).
He put up with a lot:
A depressed owner.
A pissed owner.
A “not today” owner.
A stop barking owner.
A dinner-is-five-minutes-late owner.
But also the ‘I couldn’t possibly love you more owner’.
The say I love you ten times a day owner.
The give you weird names owner.
The make up songs and stories with your name in them owner.
The buy you far too many squeaky toys owner.
I knew you knew how much I loved you — and that filled the void a little more.
It’s been a year now.
The empty spaces around the house have slowly filled with the energy of days passing without you… and yet, somehow, with you too.
The real void lives here — in my heart ❤️
Did I mention I miss you?
I say it every day because I feel the missing.
The routines have softened with time, but the ache still sits right here in my chest.
It cracks open at moments like tonight, triggered by the words you are so loved.
Because I felt unquestionably loved by you.
Even in your grumpiness.
Even in mine.
It just was.
When I heard those words today, the memory that came flooding back was you running toward me after your walks — full of joy, full of love — your mouth stretched into what looked like a toothy smile.
If I was out of your sight, you needed to know where I was. You loved me without hesitation.
And I loved you.
I miss experiencing that love from you.
I didn’t have to rummage around in my unlovable pot — it was obvious.
On rough days. Imperfect days. Beautiful days. Fun days. Barely-getting-through days. Who the f@@k am I? days…
There you were.
A reminder.
A constant.
More than just a dog — a beautiful being who taught me so much and loved me exactly as I was.
You’re still teaching me now, as I learn how to wheel around with this void in my heart — the one that reminds me just how deeply I was loved by you.
Thank you for everything, titface.
And as this chapter found its way onto the page, I realised something else too — thank you for loving me still.